Ooze News

When Leprechauns Attack

2005-03-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

Leprechauns of above average height and build invaded downtown St Paul today to engage in debauchery and have a parade. Skyways and streets were pillaged and The Buttery's sign was changed to "The Butt." Bad leprechauns! Police advise commuters to look both ways before driving across streets so they don't hit any leprechauns. :(

Skyway Serial Killer At Large

2005-03-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

Skyway police regretfully announced to whoever was walking by their office that another body was discovered in the skyway on Friday morning. Luckily, Ooze News reporters love to carouse the skyways and so they had their notebooks with them.
The first incident alledgedly occured 2 weeks ago, when unlucky casinoworker Jordan McMonacle was found strangled in an elevator. Since there were no clues whatsoever, police decided that he did it himself and went on a coffee break.
Hank Enberg's body was found last week when his coworkers entered an elevator to go smoke what little life was left in their black dead lungs (Ooze News feels that smoking is a deadly sin.) and found his body in the elevator. Police were baffled because they didn't like the odds of 2 strangled bodies being found in elevators. Enberg's body had several tire tracks over the shins and a stamp from some bar on his left hand. Police went to the morgue to dig up McMonacle's body and found an identicle stamp. Then they went bowling.
There was no news until today when Fritz Placktzsch was found strangled to death in an elevator with a stamp on his left hand. Police decided that there is a serial killer on the loose so they have advised everyone not to go in elevators or get their hands stamped until further notice.

Advice: Smarty-Pants Coworkers Need the Boot

2005-03-03T14:30:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday!! Here's some working-problem advice for all you cube-dwellers.

Dear Ooze News:
Help! I enjoy my job, but I don't enjoy the people. I sit across from this awful person, let's call him Biff, and all day long he talks on the phone with everyone and plays freecell and eats popcorn, chips, and greasy foods when he isn't throwing paperclips at me or reading my personal emails when I'm faxing things. The worst thing was last week when Biff decided he didn't want to do any work, so he gave our boss several anonymous notes complaining about things so we could have an emergency section meeting all day. I lost my ebay auction for the autographed picture of Judy Tenuda because we were in the conference room all day! Now I'm depressed and I've started smoking again and I can't drink anything without a splash of scotch.. What should I do??
-Mad Over Biff

Weeeell, MOB, the problem with Biff is that he's in his second or third childhood. You need to be the disciplinarian here since it seems that your boss is more interested in having meetings so it looks like he or she has a social life when really they go home to an empty quiet life and a bottle of bourbon. If you want Biff to straighten up and fly right, install electrical circuits in his chair and desk and keyboard, so whenever he does stupid things that annoy you, you just have to hit a button to give him a big voltage shock. If that doesn't work, whack him on the head with a baseball bat when he's hunched over tying his shoes. If he doesn't wear shoes, throw broken glass and nails all over the floor so he steps on them.

Dearest Ooze News,
I just got hired at a new job and my manager hates me. I tried to badmouth him in front of my coworkers and they all got mad at me because they're his cousins or something.. And then they told him what I said about him being a stupid hillbilly with no teeth and no brain. He threatened to fire me if I don't get twice as much done a day, which is ridiculous because I do more than his cousins do anyways. Should I hire the mob or should I burn down his mailbox?
Love,
Stop And Nip Keith's Ankle

Well, SANKA, your manager sounds like a real dullard. You should find out where all his cousins live (probably in the same trailer park) and send them junk mail every day until they have to move away to avoid all the mail. Then you will be the only one working there and the manager will have to respect your differences and get over his problems with are mostly insecurities and derived from lack of dental hygeine. We also think you need to work on your abbreviations because Keith doesn't want his ankle nipped.

St. Paul Homeless Create Union?

2005-02-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

An angry mob of homeless people crowded around a bus shelter early Monday morning with cardboard signs saying things like "UNION FOR HOMELESS" and "WILL WORK FOR UNION." According to onlookers, this fiasco continued for 30 minutes until bus drivers notified skyway police to come to the rescue. Ooze News reporters were on the scene and stuff, so we interviewed a bunch of people to hear everyone's side of the story.
Janet Virtz complained that the mob was taking up so much of the sidewalk that she missed her bus to transfer to Minneapolis. "I tried to peek over their heads and signs to see what numbers the buses had on them, but it was impossible! Luckily one of the signholders had a cell phone so I was able to phone my boss and say I would be an hour late. I am completely supporting these people's attempt to create a union, it would be nicer if their union could be in a building though instead of in front of a bus stop."
Other people said that homeless people didn't need a union because they didn't work. And whoever had all the documents for the union would have to carry them around in a shopping cart since all the members were homeless and have no file cabinets.
Skyway police and irate bus drivers cleared the homeless protesters away with K9 patrol dogs and airhorns. The union-wannabes shook their fists at the opposition and said that they would return after refilling their cups at McDonalds.

Advice: Easy Lent Answers

2005-02-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another edition of our Thursday Advice Column! This week we tackle a yearly problem that many Minnesotans face...

HELP! My daughter said we had to give up meat on Fridays during Lent or we'd be excommunicated for sure, so I need some quick tips on how to incorporate fish into dinner!
Love,
Mom On The Over-Ride

Well, MOTOR, we looked all over the place until we found these helpful fishy recipes! Enjoy!!

Fish Burgers
1 can salmon or other fish
1 egg
crackers or breadcrumbs

Crush the crackers and add to a bowl with the fish and egg. Blend until thoroughly mixed. Cook on broiler or in oiled frying pan until browned. Serve with or without buns, depending on your carb choices.

We know that tartar sauce goes well with fish, but sometimes you don't have a jar of it handy, so we created this recipe in our secret kitchens!

Easy Tartar Sauce
1/2 cup olive oil or other liquid
1 tblsp cream of tartar, sifted
3 cups chopped onions or scallions or pickles

Blend together the liquid and cream of tartar. Add the chopped vegetables and serve immediately. Refridgerate any leftovers to avoid botulism.

We here at Ooze News apologize in advance. We had no clue what the chunks were in tartar sauce so we figured any sort of chunks you throw in would be fine. Please do not sue us if this recipe does not taste like regular tartar sauce. Our secret kitchen chefs would be sad. :(

Swamp-down in the Skyway!

2005-02-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

Approximately several people were allegedly injured today when a portable septic tank system fell through the ceiling in the skyway earlier today. Inevitably the perpetrator was caught because he was trying to lift the system off the floor and his cohorts were using ropes and pulleys to pull it back up through the hole it created when it descended.
Skyway Police were alerted to the scene when they were unable to get to the donut store because a big septic system tank was blocking the skyway. Other unpresent witnesses say that there were crashing noises coming from the ceiling and the officers automatically pulled their pistols and shot at the ceiling, which caused it to collapse.
Officer Xuxa, 22, said she couldn't find her gun because she accidentally left it outside the building because there was a sign saying guns were banned indoors. Other officers said that she was pretty smart for being blonde, so this must have been one of her "off days."
A large crowd of onlookers watched as paramedics carried away the remains and as police carried away the perpetrators. There will be a 6-hour period tomorrow due to plumbing problems since the septic tank was the only skyway potty. So don't drink any coffee before coming to work or you'll soil yourself and others around you.

Advice: Christmas Memories

2004-12-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Ooze News,
I got this scrapbook kit from my granny for Christmas and at first I was going to just throw it away when I decided maybe I should try doing something with it. I glued some expired coupons to the first page and then told my bone-headed brother to draw a snowman on the next page. He cried and cried until my mom made me untie him, but when he did draw the snowman, it looked more like a gallbladder. If you have any ideas for using this thing, please let me know before I throw it either in the garbage or at my brother.
-Hooked On Tequila

Well, HOT, your grandmother obviously put a lot of time and effort into selecting this present for you. You should try putting some things into the book that remind you of her or some photographs from special occasions. Having your brother draw a picture in there was a good idea. If he ever makes anything of himself, it might be worth some money. And if he doesn't you can show his ex-girlfriends the picture so they know that he is at the same mental/emotional stage he was back when he was a kid. Throwing scrapbooks out is a waste of landfill space, and if you throw it out, it will be dug up in 50 years by the garbage police and they will find your DNA on the cover and put you in jail for ruining the earth with your littering.

Weekly Advice: Cleaning a Keyboard

2004-11-04T18:55:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday! So that means that it's advice day! Today's question is something that plagues us all:

Dear Ooze News,
My keyboard is all dusty! OMG! And there's sticky keys where I spilled my chai all over it when I was drinking my chai and then I had to sneeze and it came out my nose and mouth all over the computer.. Help me clean it plllzzz!!!!
-CHAI4LIFE

Dear CHAI4LIFE,
First of all, we here at Ooze News always try to keep our beverages at least 4 feet from any electronic equipment! You never know when you'll knock something over, or in your case, projectile vomit all over your computer. That's why modern technology has come up with several cleaning machines that will get your keyboard squeaky clean in no time!
Our first idea is: putting your keyboard in the dishwasher. It's basically the size of a cookie sheet or cake pan. Be sure to unplug your keyboard from the computer before putting in dishwasher. It would be hard to type when the dishwasher's shut anyways!! Try not to use harsh detergents, or the letters might wear off the keys.
You could also try bringing your keyboard into the shower with you. Tomorrow morning when you get out of bed, unhook your keyboard and bring it in the shower. Rub some shower gel on it, and use it as a loofah! It'll get you both clean!
If neither of these ideas work, your keyboard was too broken to fix beforehand and you might as well get a new one. Good luck!

Election Coverage

2004-11-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

Frankly, we here at Ooze News find this election to be extremely boring. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. That's why we've installed several faux voting stations around the Twin Cities area. Unfortunately, only 4 people came to our stations. We were able to convince them to use our ballots, which comically explode when scanned into our readers. Things got messy when 70-yr old Elsie Wickowski put her ballot in the scanner and the radiation caused her false teeth to fall out and jam our scanner. Our faux policeman was able to retrieve her teeth with only a few minor bites, but we had to tell her it was Candid Camera so she wouldn't press charges. When somebody finally caused their ballot to explode in the scanner, it was such a small explosion that they blamed the dog. What a let-down!
As for the actual election coverage, somebody decided to tell everyone that they should vote for the opposite person that somebody they knew was voting for, causing the country to vote 50/50. That's why elections should only be open to people who read Cat Fancy. They'd pick the purrfect president!

Trick-or-Treat Scandals!

2004-11-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

Ooze News hopes you had a spookyriffic Halloween weekend!
Our reporters didn't take a break from news-hunting, and guess what they found? A scandal!!!

In the metro area, several gangs of children were alledgedly going from door to door and collecting money besides candy. The money was supposedly going to a charity called GVG (pronounced "GiVinG") which was a clever acronym for Give me Video Games. The gang members pooled their money together and then went to a local store, one person distracted the electronics department attendant, and the others would steal games when he or she wasn't looking. 5 Targets and 3 Walmarts called the police when they realized that their videogame cases were empty. So if a group of children come to your house and ask for donations for "giving", you should call the police immediately while stalling the children by telling them you can't find your money because you forgot which mattress is was hiding under.

Twin Cities Police have decided to do nothing about this gang activity at the moment, but advised metro homeowners to invest in bear traps for their front porches before next Halloween.

Do you believe in magic?

2004-10-31T20:30:00.000-08:00

Well we here at Ooze News don't! With that in mind, we visited several magic shops to see if the employees were really magic. They were nervous because we told them that if they weren't really magic, we'd arrest them for false advertising and reckless endangerment.
Our faux policement "arrested" seventeen magic shop employees that day. And that's why Ooze News apologizes to the owners of Twin Cities Area magic shops for their lack of workers. We promise to release them from our faux jail in a couple of weeks if they comply with our demands to take magic lessons from David Copperfield.